Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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