Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
