I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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