I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
