When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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