Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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