Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
