It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
