??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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