and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
