So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
