so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
