This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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