Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
