whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
