The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
