You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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