What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
