yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
