dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
