I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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