if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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