nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
