I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
