I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
