You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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