My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
