Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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