My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
