hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
