I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
