her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
