maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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