farters have to be the big spoon...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
