Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
