Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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