the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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