He uses pillows to masturbate.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
