i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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