I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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