I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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