saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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