He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
