I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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