dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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