plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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