pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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