Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
