So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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