saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
