We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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